| wow, in 15 minutes it will be midnight...which will make it august 14...exactly two months since my last post. sorry it's been so long. sometimes, i talk to you guys outside of xanga...so u know stuff that's been going on lately. in youth group, i don't know how long ago, sandy gave us all notebooks and told us to write in them whenever we were mad or we just had something to let out. so, i wrote this a few days ago...here goes: (i had been reminising about dalton on the page before this...in a moment of pathetic-ness) "Yeah, screw everything I said before. I've noticed that when you're single, (at least for me) you think about you furture husband and kids. It's like taking off the "dating blinders"..."boyfriend blinders" and focusing on the future instead of the present. When a guy comes into the picture though...you get immediate tunnel vision and settle for some shallow, distracting relationship. Sometimes, even in this dumb relationship, you're future husbad has a face...the face of your current boyfriend. But then, in a flash...that shallow relationship ends and you're left with "mystery husband" who is funny, cute, and perfect for you. Why would you want to replace him with some loser you barely know? I'm closer to my dream guy when I'm single and not distracted with the "boy blinders." I fell like I've known my dream guy forever, he feels so real to me. It's easy (when single) to look around at all the pathetic guy choices, compare them to your dream guy, and say, "Nope...not him...NEXT!" That's what's nice about it...you're level-headed and practical...not cynical, practical. Slimy guys know that all they have to do is pretend to listen to you jabber and then compliment you a few times for you to throw all of your practicality out the window. Who the heck do they think they are??? I hate the whole "dating game"...girls (including myself) play it too. Listen to everything he says and act interested...even if you have NO clue what he's talking about and you could really care less. NEVER say anything that would offend him, don't act like a know-it-all (not an idiot either), allow him to teach you so he feels superior...blah blah blah. It's a classic. Don't people get bored of that??!! It's the oldest trick in the book and people still fall for it. Cause everybody wants to feel needed and loved by another person...nobody can resist the pull, we're all susceptible to it. I'm sick of playing games, and I'm sick of falling for them. I'm writing all this down, so I can look at it if I ever even THINK about settling again. I will fight it with everything I have! Love, My Practical Happily-Single Self P.S. I feel like I'm a bench-warmer on the sidelines, but it's my choice...and for once, I'm happy about that." this was another one...a few days ago...but, to explain first...i've been talking to daniel jennings, a guy i used to go elementary school with. we've talked for hours and hours on aim, and the first time we talked, i thought "this is the guy i wanna marry!" lol creepy...but we clicked so well and he was so interesting...and EXACTLY like the "dream guy" i'd always pictured in my head. it was also weird, because he was the bully back in elementary school. buuuut, the more i talked to him...the more it was obvious that he's not a Christian. if he would just get things right with God and throw out all the bad stuff, then everything would be peachy lol. he said he "loves me" which i'm not stupid enough to believe. then he said he'd "poured his heart out to me" and i guess...put his pride on the line. i told him that i like him alot. one big thing is that he has pictures of girls...wearing practically nothing in his room...two posters that i know of. and he sent me pics of his room, so i saw them. but, he's stopped cussing and he wants to start going to church. he keeps asking me what the bad things are that he needs to change, but i don't know if that's going to last... "*Sigh* I'm not ready to lose my single-ness. Guys think I'll always be as "cool and fun" as I seem when I'm talking to them at first, but once the relationship crosses "that line", I turn into "how may I help you?" girlfriend robot. I start allowing them to control me. I don't wanna do that! So, why does it always happen? I practically throw myself at a guy once he gives me the green light. I know that to have a boyfriend...period, you have to take a rish and you get a kind of sick feeling in your stomach, maybe. I don't like that, I'd rather know for sure what the guy really feels for me and what kind of a Christian/ person he is. Daniel, I don't eve think he's a Christian, and I don't know why I've got his heart and pride in my hands. Oopsie Daisies, guess I should put them back where I found them lol. I don't know what to think or feel about him anymore. I wonder if I dated him, if I would be comparing him to Dalton or if it would help me to never think about Dalton. Of course, Daniel has to get right with God first. I feel like I'm in a spiritual drought right now. I haven't been putting God first, and I've been ignoring the Holy Spirit and doing my own thing. I have some red flags when I talk to Daniel...but I felt almost hypocritical putting my foot down about the "Christian" thing. I'm ending the spiritual drought. Camp and right after it was like a spiritual oasis. I miss that, and I want it back. Tomorrow, I am going through every last song on my ipod and deleting all the bad ones. I won't try to justify them anymore. It's not about the world's standards. Jesus wants all or nothing." |
